The Jensenitas
by Lily Zen
Summary: Cougar has feelings for Jensen. He knows this. He also knows that he can't express them, so he does the next best thing and finds Jensenitas. One-sided C/J. Very short series of drabbles.
1. The Jensenitas

The Jensenitas

Fandom: Losers

Pairing: J/C (kinda)

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: angst, humor (I think)

Archive: Ask

Author: Lily Zen

Notes: Title stolen from a line in "Take The Bull By The Horns," where Pooch talks about Cougar sleeping with Jensenitas. (Hilarious.) This is very short, not well thought out at all, but I hope you like it.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

* * *

Cougar's known for a long time that he had some rather inappropriate feelings toward the Losers' tech guy. He's self-aware enough to figure out what his over-protectiveness toward the younger man and the skip in his heartbeat every time Jensen invades his personal space means. Here's a hint: the skip is not due to anxiety, and the over-protectiveness is not because Jensen can't take care of himself.

He can. For the most part.

Jensen's special forces. To assume he couldn't take care of himself would be stupid. He'd never have made it to black ops if that were the case.

Cougar just liked him, and not in a brotherly, companionable "all men together" sort of way. Nope. Couldn't be that easy. He had to go and…

Even now, in his head, he's grinding his teeth at the thought of it.

He had to go and _fall in love_ with the idiot.

Worst. Idea. Ever.

Because Cougar protected fiercely that which he considered his. Sometimes, he thought he might as well have pissed on Jensen's leg to mark his territory, because his behavior was so irrational.

Like the girl-stealing.

He did it all the time, felt bad doing it, but he still did it because Jensen was his goddammit and those stupid little tramps did not deserve to see the face he makes when he comes. Not that Cougar can see it either. That'd be a terrible idea, even more awful than the simple fact that he possessed these feelings for the bespectacled man. It would, in all likelihood, result in them getting killed if they both didn't get kicked out of the army first.

So instead Cougar lost himself in blonde haired, blue eyed women. If they were smart or ridiculously funny or talked way too much, so much the better. It made the fantasy a little more solid. Nobody seemed to clue in that Cougar's tastes—which prior to Jensen joining the team tended to run toward curvy Latinas—had altered. If they did, no one said anything, probably out of fear that Cougar would accidentally shoot them on assignment. No one said anything about Cougar's satellite orbit around Jensen.

It was his secret.

And the Jensenitas, while a pale substitute for the real thing, served their purpose in assuaging the inappropriate urges Cougar suppressed every time Jensen smiled at someone who was not him.

Which was happening now.

The dark haired sniper swallowed a shot and grabbed his beer, tipping his hat low enough to provide the air of mystery that seemed to make panties fall from the heavens, and ambled over to where Jensen was charming a redhead at the other end of the bar with a little sleight of hand.

Go time.

* * *

-FIN-


	2. Captain Oblivious

Captain Oblivious

Fandom: Losers

Pairing: J/C

Rating: PG-13

Warning: the usual stuff

Archive: Ask

Author: Lily Zen

Notes: A companion piece to The Jensenitas, in Jensen's point of view.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

* * *

_Dear Cougar, _

_Do you think I'm a total moron? _

_Wait, no, scratch that. _

_Dear Cougar,_

_Stop trying to bone me in the 'getting boned' department. _

_Do over! _

_Dear Cougar, _

_I know you want me, and I want you too. Contrary to popular belief, I am not Captain fucking Oblivious. So just bend me over and do me already._

Nope, not quite the romantic vibe he was looking for either.

Jensen decided to give up drafting his imaginary letter to Cougar and instead discreetly eyed his teammate in the reflection of his computer monitor.

Cougar thought he was being totally Rico Suave, chasing off all of Jensen's hook-ups like a Catholic schoolgirl's mom, but he absolutely was not. Jensen had eyes; four of them, if the teasing in middle school was to be believed. He knew what was up.

And he was totally down with that if Cougar wanted to get down like that.

Except it looked like Cougar really didn't want to get down like that.

He had this whole Cro-Magnon possessive thing going on, but he didn't want to actually, like, give it a chance. Give them a chance.

Jensen, when he bothered to think through the mundane reasons, could understand. They would literally be putting their careers on the line. He'd seen it with other couples, non-military couples. Ones where one of the partners had to…to give up something, to compromise, in order to be with the person they wanted to be with.

Jensen loved his job. It was pretty much the only thing he loved, besides his sister and niece. Yeah, yeah, he loved computers too, but those were pretty much interchangeable. To be the best, you had to be able to work with anything, not just your favorite laptop. No good luck charms there.

He also knew that Cougar loved his job as well. They both loved the team.

So they were pretty screwed if they ever started screwing and then had to leave.

Maybe Cougar was right, and it was just better this way, playing this weird little game like they didn't want to be with each other when they did. They could have their cake and eat it too. Only like a crumb though, or a little lick of the frosting. That was all the affection they could afford to ladle on each other. Not the whole cake. Definitely not the whole cake.

In Jensen's mind, the whole cake involved a lot of grunting and sweating and nudity.

Damn, that was some good cake.

Goddamn Cougar.

If he'd just let something slip, it would shift just the tiniest amount of responsibility off of Jensen's shoulders, just enough so that he could pin that Mexican down and show him what he's missing.

But Jensen couldn't do that.

He couldn't knowingly sacrifice everything that they, collectively and separately, had worked towards.

Damn it.

_Dear Cougar, _

_Make a move, man. Just make a move. A heated glance, a lingering touch, whatever… And we'd be cool. I am totally willing to be the guy who has to make an ass out of himself here. I just need to know that I won't be doing it in vain._

_Love, _

_Captain Awesome_

_P.S. Also, stop screwing girls that look like me. It's creepy. Flattering, but creepy all at the same time._

_

* * *

_

-FIN-


	3. Operation: Claim Cougar

Operation: Claim Cougar

Fandom: Losers

Pairing: J/C

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: the usual

Archive: Ask

Author: Lily Zen

Notes: Follow-up to The Jensenitas and Captain Oblivious.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

* * *

'Fuck it,' Jensen thought to himself as he watched Cougar score himself another Jensenita—different city, different bar, but the girls all looked the same to Jensen, blending into an unending barrage of 'maybe this would be me if I had tits and fallopian tubes.'

And fuck it; he was done watching this shit, standing by idly.

Okay, so yeah, he was a little (a lot) drunk, and yeah, Roque and Pooch were hustling people at the pool tables, and yeah, Clay had found himself a crazy bitch to slink off somewhere with, but fuck it.

He didn't care anymore.

It didn't matter that they were essentially on a layover between assignments, that his team was in the bar sans Clay, that he might lose his fucking career if he got busted doing this.

Nothing. Fucking. Mattered.

What mattered was that Cougar was about to leave with another slutty blonde girl, and Jensen was fucking sick of it. That should be him leaving with Cougar, going to fuck each other's brains out.

…He spared a moment to wonder if that was physically possible, laughed a little hysterically at the mental picture it provided.

Then Jensen downed the last of his beer, just tipped his head back, relaxed his throat, and let the whole thing pour down his esophagus. He stood up, making the feet of his bar stool screech on the floor, and stalked (more like stomped, but hey, he was drunk) over to where Cougar was chatting up Blondie McBigtits.

Cougar knew he was there, but he hardly spared him a glance, just a quick flick of his eyes, a questioning brow. However, Jensen wasn't looking at Cougar just then. He was looking at Bam (as in 'wham, bam, thank you') Vagerson (Jensen was laughing internally at his drunken cleverness, thinking that the likening to Pam Anderson really was awesome—jesus, he could make money off of insulting people), eyeing her up and down like she was something he'd just scraped off his shoe.

She gave him a brittle smile, probably wondering what the hell this guy's problem was. "Hi, I'm—"

Jensen cut her off. "I don't really care what your name is," he bit out, each word like a bullet.

"Jensen," Cougar broke in sharply, his voice a warning and an appalled 'what the hell are you doing?'

The technician completely ignored the other man except for the fact that he stepped in a little closer to the smaller man's side. "Oookay," the blonde drawled, and then to Cougar, "Is this your friend? He's kind of a jerk."

"See this," Jensen interrupted, even though Cougar had his mouth open to respond, pointing to Cougar, "This is mine." Cougar flashed him a look that was pissed off bordering on sheer disbelief. The blonde continued anyway, "No touchie."

With that, he grabbed Cougar, flung the other man over his shoulder, which was harder than it seemed in his head, as Cougar was wriggling like…well, an angry cat, hissing at him in Spanish as Jensen carried him out of the bar.

They made it as far as the sidewalk outside before Cougar managed to make Jensen drop him. "Que infierno, pendejo? Cual es este? You—you lléveme a cabo como un niño que comportarse mal, sabotaje de mí…qué usted piensan usted está hacienda?" The Mexican man looked…well, livid…and for a moment Jensen was terrified. Then another wave of liquid courage hit him, and he decided to just take the moment in his hands.

So he shoved Cougar up against the brick wall outside the bar and darted in close, laying his lips on the other's.

Cougar froze. He didn't move anymore, he didn't make a sound, he just stood there, breathing quickly against Jensen's lips.

The blonde persisted, brushing lips against the sniper's until the other's mouth softened and moved in response. After that moment of hesitance faded, it was all raw passion-lips, tongues, teeth—fuck gentleness; gentleness was for some other time, later on after all this pent up want had been spent.

The sniper drew back from the kiss with a sharp gasp, and a muttered, "Que?"

Jensen, from behind the slightly foggy lenses of his glasses, shrugged and gave a sheepish grin. "Te amo. And I'm not gonna pretend like I don't anymore, so you're just gonna have to deal with it."

"But…what about…"

"We'll figure it out," the hacker replied rather flippantly. Then he bent his neck and kissed Cougar once more, and set about putting phase two of his operation: claim cougar into motion.

* * *

-FIN-


	4. Phase Two

Phase Two

Fandom: Losers

Pairing: J/C

Rating: PG-13(ish)

Warning: some adult-ish words in here, and concepts, but nothing graphic

Archive: Ask

Author: Lily Zen

Notes: This seems to be turning into a series of drabbles. I just can't help myself, I love these boys. Follow-up to Operation: Claim Cougar, Captain Oblivious, and The Jensenitas.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

* * *

Cougar woke in the morning feeling thirsty, which wasn't all that uncommon after a night spent out at a bar. He wasn't on base though. One glance around the room proved this. It looked to be a cheap if poorly decorated motel room, and he wondered who the hell he'd picked up last night. There was somebody else in the bed, buried under a mound of pillows and blankets, and the sniper cautiously peeked under them to see who it was.

It was a man.

Shit.

Shit, oh, shit. Shitshitshit—

"Cougs, shut up, man," a voice growled from underneath the pile of fabric. Blankets shifted and rustled, and then he was looking at Jensen's face, complete with morning stubble and that stupid scraggly beard. "I can hear you freaking out from under here."

This was even worse. Shit. He'd picked up Jensen at the bar?

And now memories came rushing back at him.

Cougar would never admit to being drunk. Not even under the threat of torture. Carlos Alvarez had the tolerance of an Irish-Scottish-Native-American alcoholic. It took a lot to knock him on his ass. Certainly more than ten beers and seven shots. (Seven shots? Okay, that _was_ a lot, even for him. Not that he'd admit it.)

He remembered Jensen scaring off that pretty little blonde-haired girl, then manhandling him out of the bar—he really hoped nobody had seen that—and than making out pressed up against a brick wall. Jensen had said 'I love you' and 'we'll figure it out.'

And—oh, jesus—they'd come here and there was a blurred memory of frantic hands, buttons popping off, practically purring as he took Jensen in his mouth for the first time, determined to see what he looked like when he came. Cougar moved restlessly as he felt himself begin to stir again, and took a moment to appreciate the ache in an unfamiliar lower extremity of his. Wow. It had been a long time since he'd felt that particular sensation.

Jensen was slowly emerging from his cocoon of blankets, trailing his fingers over Cougar's chest and abs. He wanted to watch as those pale fingers touched him in the morning light—they'd forgotten to draw the curtains in their haste—and so he looked down.

His first thought was 'what the hell is that?' Except in Spanish because that was his first language. His next thought was 'I hope that's not permanent.' Also in his mother-tongue.

Jensen's fingertips were tracing over thick black lines that spelled out 'mine' over and over in his handwriting. There were also some 'mios' in there to switch it up. Just in case Cougar ever forgot his English.

"Jake," he growled, and the hacker snickered.

"Don't worry, the marker wasn't permanent," he said as he curled up lower against Cougar and flicked his tongue over the other man's nipple. Cougar pretended that he did not shudder at that, and gave a serious, self-satisfied nod. He could feel Jensen pressed all up against his side, even though the blankets that he still had wrapped around himself. What a cover thief. "I just did it so you'd remember in the morning who you belong to." The blonde's smile was trying for innocent but only making it as far as mischievous.

He hated that he was such a sucker for Jensen's silliness.

"You said 'we'll figure it out,'" Cougar prompted, trying to change the subject.

"Yeah, and we will," Jensen stated, "Because I'm not going back to how things were before. I want you, and you want me, and that's that. Enough of this no-man's-land between us where we don't say it or do anything about it. I'm done with that. We'll make it work."

Cougar chuckled and asked, "And I get no say in this?"

Jensen gave him a look and moved so that his face was right over Cougar's and his next words were spoken right on the other man's lips. "If you were gonna argue, you'd have done it last night, Cougs. Nothing I can say or do would've gotten you here if you didn't want it, much less in bed with me." There was a look in his eyes of such serious possessiveness that at first Cougar didn't know what to do with this new Jensen. Then the techie grinned, the same happy grin as always, and added, "Besides, I doubt you could leave now. You've experienced my cock magic. You're done, buddy."

It was so ridiculous and so…so Jensen, that Cougar just had to laugh, a full-throated belly laugh, the kind that made his face hurt. Jensen's expression was starting to droop towards confusion and maybe a little bit of hurt, and so Cougar leaned up to kiss him even though he was still laughing. It was a happy moment, probably the happiest he'd felt in a long time, and eventually that light and airy kiss turned into something else, something heated and full of promise and Cougar realized that they were going to be late getting back to base.

Oh well. They'd figure something out.

* * *

-FIN-


	5. Strawberry Blonde

Strawberry Blonde

Fandom: Losers

Pairing: C/OFC

Rating: NC-17

Warning: het

Archive: Ask

Author: Lily Zen

Notes: Prompt on The Losers Kink Meme for "Cougar gets some poon." It's posted on there anonymously, but I decided to un-anon myself. This drabble takes place prior to The Jensenitas. There's no J/C in this. It's just Cougar getting it on with some chick.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

* * *

He's got her on her hands and knees, buck ass naked, strands of long strawberry blonde hair clenched in his fist. Cougar wrenches her head back using that hold like reins on a fucking horse, and she makes a noise that's a cross between a moan and a sigh but she doesn't protest. Not at all, not even when he keeps pulling until she's forced to rise up onto her knees so that they're chest to back.

She turns her head blindly, eyes still closed. Her lashes are darker than her hair, like soot-dusted gold, and they make pretty crescent moons on her flushed cheeks. He bites her lower lip and her eyes fly open, cobalt blue, hazy and unfocused. She laughs a little, and the husky, excited chuckle makes him grin. The woman opens her mouth to say something, sweet little pink tongue pressing up against her white teeth. Then Cougar slants his mouth across hers and swallows down her mirth and whatever she's about to say. She pulls back far enough blurt out, "No fair distract—mmph!" He kisses her into silence again and cups her breasts in his hands, rolling those peaked nipples in his calloused fingers.

Her hips roll and she uses her ass deliberately to stroke as much of his length as she can. She's a devious little thing. Then she bites him as she pulls away and mewls prettily, "Please, please, fuck me. God, I'm so fucking wet right now, you've got no idea." So Cougar decides to find out for himself, curves his hand over her pussy, and god, she's hot down there and his fingers just fucking glide right over her swollen clit.

He uses fast, quick circles to get her off, and she comes with a surprised sound, nails biting into his thigh. Cougar doesn't even wait for her to recover, just pushes her back down on all fours and sinks in, fighting through the aftershocks of her orgasm, sinking home with a grunt. The blonde haired woman cries out as well because he's so large that he bumps her cervix, but again she doesn't protest. "Shit, oh god, that's good. Keep going," she pants instead, and her hips work restlessly, fucking herself on him when he doesn't move fast enough.

So he retaliates, gripping her hips hard enough that she'll have teeny bruises the next day, forcing her still as he pulls out until only the very tip of him is still inside her. "You like it fast and hard, hm?" he murmurs, "What if I want to take my time? Drive you crazy first?"

She laughs breathlessly and it turns into a low groan as Cougar begins to slide back inside inch by inch. It seems to take forever, and by the time he's back inside her all the way, there's a fine tremor running down her spine. "I don't think you'll have to work too hard at that," she tells him, and her voice is strained.

He laughs, pulls back and thrusts hard enough that she shouts and rocks forward despite his grip. "Fuck!" Cougar decides he likes that reaction and he withdraws with agonizing slowness once more only to return swiftly. He does that a few more times until the woman is wiggling her hips back and forth slightly, chanting, "Just fuck me, just fuck me, _god_, just fucking _fuck_ me already."

Cougar gives in to her wishes then and sets a brutal tempo, and her voice begins to get higher and louder. He lets her words wash over him, a comforting soundtrack accompanied by the slap of skin on skin and the little clicking noise her slippery cunt makes as he works his way in and out with increasing franticness.

The young woman slips down onto her forearms, forehead pillowed on one as she reaches down and rubs herself with two fingers, and sometimes she reaches back a little further and feathers phantom touches across his cock as he plunges in and out of her. She comes with a sound that he can only describe as a high-pitched keening wail, and her pussy becomes a fucking vice grip, and Cougar's got to force himself through the spasmodic tightening of her inner muscles.

He's so fucking close he can taste it, see that shining edge of ecstasy. He just needs a little more, just a little something extra and he's done for.

Like she'd got a gift for mind reading, the woman rears up a little, does an impressively bendy move and cups his balls in one hand, squeezing lightly.

Cougar comes with a hoarse cry that he muffles by biting her back right between her shoulder blades, sinking his teeth into the muscle there. She jerks a little, tightens around his cock again, and it's almost too much, riding that fine line of 'so good it hurts.'

She leaves fifteen minutes later with a near perfect impression of his teeth hiding under her starched white work shirt. For days afterward, Cougar smirks to himself every time he thinks of it.

* * *

-FIN-


	6. The Twilight Problem

The Twilight Problem

Fandom: Losers

Pairing: J/C

Rating: T

Warnings: Twilight

Archive: Ask

Author: Lily Zen

Notes: Ages ago, some person asked me if I would do a Twilight/Losers crossover. I wasn't going to, since I hate Twilight. Then bookstorequeer and I got to talking and this idea came out of it. This is pure crack in the Jensenitas 'verse, mostly because I can.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

* * *

"What are you doing, Jensen?" Pooch asked when he walked in the room of the 'borrowed' house they were camped out in, and saw the team's tech staring into a huge cardboard box filled with, of all things, books. He was feeding them into the great fireplace one by one, cackling triumphantly as the pages blackened and curled. Pooch took a closer look at them. The title read 'Twilight' on all fifty or so copies. The Pooch was not a mathematician and so that number was pure guesswork, but he knew there were a lot of books in there.

Jensen cackled manically as another teen tome died, and he said, "I'm killing Edward."

The Pooch didn't know what to say for a moment, then finally he looked over at Cougar, slouched on a chaise lounge with his hat pulled over his eyes. Chances were, Pooch knew, that Cougar was only playing at being asleep. He was well-aware of everything that was going on around him, despite his relaxed posture and deep, even breaths. "Cougs, talk to your boy. He's losing it again," the transport specialist stated before he turned around and headed back towards the kitchen. There was cold beer in the fridge and he was way too sober to be dealing with whatever crack-induced weirdness Jensen was doing now.

Tipping up his hat, Cougar glanced at Jensen and raised an eyebrow.

"I'm killing Edward, Cougs," Jensen repeated, as though it should be obvious.

After a moment, when no other information was forthcoming, Cougar responded. "Explain," he said and mentally girded himself for whatever was about to come pouring out of the kid's mouth.

Huffing, Jensen paused in the act of tearing pages out of the books (so they would burn faster) and throwing them into the flames to half-turn to Cougar. "Edward is a vampire. He sparkles in the sun and makes young, impressionable girls want him as their boyfriend. During the course of this four-novel monstrosity of a series, he stalks the main character, removes her car battery so she can't see her friends, skips school, isolates the girl from society, acts as though she is incompetent, marries her right out of high school, gets her pregnant with a mutant baby, essentially kills her, tries to kill himself, and…it's just not a book for kids."

With that said, he resumed the ripping and burning process. "So I'm killing Edward book by book."

Cougar nodded like this made sense to him and tugged his hat back down, signaling that the conversation was over.

Except Pooch, who had been in the kitchen the whole time and could clearly hear everything—see too, if he wanted to peer through the space between the cabinets and cupboards—decided it wasn't. "That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard, Jensen. You gonna buy 'em all 'til they go out of print?"

"Yes!" Jensen shouted, "Jodie told me that Beth was thinking about reading these, so I did some background checking and after I discovered what went on in these books…I just can't, I can't let her read them, but they're so damn _popular_ I don't see how I can stop her! But I can't let her be brainwashed into thinking this kind of crap is okay behavior in a relationship. God, these kids are all gonna be so fucked up."

The Pooch shook his head. "Jay, they're just going to print more copies. This is a futile effort."

Jensen thought about that for a moment, then he suddenly shouted, "Goddammit!" A book went flying, hit the wall with gusto, and flopped harmlessly to the ground. Okay, maybe a couple pages were bent, but that was it.

The blonde haired man stood up, shoved his glasses up his nose and stalked off stiffly, muttering under his breath.

That was the last they heard about Twilight, at least until that night.

* * *

It was common knowledge that after that one night at the bar on leave, before Bolivia, that Cougar and Jensen were a thing. Maybe not always an exclusive thing, maybe not a thing that came with a proper label, but a thing nonetheless. They almost always shared a room and a bed, and he and Jensen had celebrated the recent repeal of DADT by playing a little game with their old dress uniforms that involved public sex and enough PDA to have Clay blushing like a virgin on her wedding night.

So it wasn't any surprise that night when the team's hacker had schlepped off to bed with a sad little wave that Cougar had wordlessly followed behind him. It had startled Aisha at first to discover that the two of them were together—after Bolivia, there had been a period of time where there was an obvious physical distance between the two of them, mostly because they both felt too guilty that they were alive and twenty-five children were dead in their place, so Aisha hadn't really witnessed the two of them as they really were—a unit, a partnership, a _couple_—until after the Port. That very night Aisha had bolted upright in bed, reaching for her gun, as the sound of Jensen's voice speared through the thin wall separating her hotel room from the one he shared with Cougar. Jensen's words were heavily laced with profanities and other noises, and the sound of skin slapping on skin played an accompaniment. Aisha blushed when she realized what was going on and for a moment the simple fact that she was embarrassed kept her from saying or doing anything. However, as things kept climbing in volume, she was beginning to feel like a voyeur and so she pounded on the wall and yelled, "Pipe down!"

That was the most she had ever said about them or to them regarding their relationship, but as Cougar and Jensen left the room that night, she wondered if she ought to break out her earplugs.

Cougar, for his part, just undressed and slipped into bed with his naked hacker, who was still obviously downtrodden from concluding that his plot to weaken the Twilight regime was a failure, not worried at all if Aisha needed to break out her earplugs. His plans for the night included snuggling his sad lover until Jensen woke up and was all Jensen-y again.

It was a solid plan and was going well up until the point that Jensen decided to get all make-y out-y on him, as the hacker was prone to saying in a stupid voice before he went on to ramble about something called the Teen Girl Squad and Strong-Bad. Sometimes it was just better to tune Jensen out for your own sanity, not that Cougar was anything less than attentive when it came to the things that really mattered, but Jensen did a lot of pointless rambling.

Anyway, so Jensen was kissing down his chest and starting with that hot monologue that would get increasingly hotter and dirtier as it went on, and Cougar was okay with the change in plans. At least he was until he tuned in and really started paying attention to what Jensen was saying.

"Mm, and I'll do that thing you like with my tongue while I'm rimming you and all you gotta do is shoot Robert Pattinson in the head. How about that, baby? You like that?"

Propping himself up on his elbows, Cougar looked down at Jensen incredulously, who was still nibbling on his abs, and said, "Jake, are you trying to trade sexual favors for hits?"

Blue eyes glanced up at him innocently and Jensen cooed, "Only on the cast of the Twilight movies."

Cougar growled and started shifting to get out of bed.

"C'mon, Cougs," Jensen whined, "You've killed more guys than that for less. We have a duty here to protect the future of the United States of America. If those kids die, then children like Beth will realize that Twilight is bad and they will avoid it."

Rolling his eyes, Cougar grabbed his hat and slid off of the mattress, ignoring his lover who was only half on the bed, the other half stretched out, pleading with him to come back.

"Here's an idea," Cougar suggested, "How about instead of asking me to kill a bunch of snot-nosed teenage actors, you talk to Beth and tell her why you think reading this Twilight is a bad idea, explain to her the differences between fiction and reality, and that the things that this book says are okay are not very healthy in real life?"

He tugged on his jeans in quick, angry movements and stalked out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

To the empty room Jensen said, "Hm, I hadn't thought of that."

* * *

A month later, Jensen and Cougar were staying with Jensen's sister. Cougar was watching a soccer game on television while Jensen was upstairs playing Barbies with his niece. That was the official story, anyway.

However, Beth came downstairs an hour later and sat next to her Uncle Cougar with a look of consternation on her face. She leaned her head against his bicep, her traditional and wordless way of grabbing her Uncle Cougar's attention and signifying that she'd like to talk to someone. Cougar put the television on mute and turned slightly asking, "Where is Jake?"

Beth shrugged and said, "He went to go play on his computer. He tried to use Barbies to tell me that Twilight is a bad influence on little girls. I don't think I'll ever look at my Skipper doll the same way."

Cougar's lips twitched. "I'll buy you a new one."

Beth nodded slightly and turned her head to look at the silent television. "He said that Bella and Edward are bad role models, that just because something's in the book that doesn't make it okay in real life. What does he mean, Uncle Cougar? I mean, I think I get it, but you know when Uncle Jake gets nervous he starts to babble and pretty soon you can't remember what he was trying to say in the first place."

His chest moved with silent laughter, as Cougar replied, "Si. I know what you mean." Of all the conversations he thought he'd be having today, including the one where Jodie ranted about the blatant favoritism in Beth's pee-wee soccer league, this was not one of them. Though he should have anticipated it, really, because when wasn't Jake awkward when he talked to girls? "It means that even though Bella and Edward love each other in the book and they show that love through things like controlling who their friends are and getting married when they graduate high school, that you shouldn't be like them. Bella and Edward aren't real. In real life, when people act like that, it's a bad sign. You shouldn't date someone who loves you like that, because it can lead to other bad things happening. I think that's what Uncle Jake was trying to say. You'll probably read those books anyway," Cougar grinned as he saw the dimples appear on Beth's face as her guilty smile gave her away, "But remember while you read that it's not real, and that it shouldn't be real. Okay?"

Beth slid off the couch and bobbed her head up and down in a succinct nod. "Yup. Got it. Bella and Edward are not good role models for my love life." She began to flounce back up to her room. It was when she reached the base of the staircase that it registered what she had said. "Wait, love life? You have a love life?" Beth giggled and bounced up the stairs.

Cougar put his head in his hands and wondered if he was going to end up having another conversation with Beth very soon. Knowing the two socially awkward Jensen siblings as he did, he figured it was a good possibility.

-FIN-


	7. Quick and Dirty Papi

Quick and Dirty, Papi

Fandom: Losers

Pairing: J/C

Rating: M

Warnings: er…kinky sex of the not-too-graphic variety

Author: Lily Zen

Notes: Part of the Jensenitas 'verse. Set after Phase Two, but significantly before The Twilight Problem.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

* * *

Cougar loves it when Jensen calls him 'papi.'

What had started out as a joke had evolved into a pet name that Jensen was fully aware gave him instant power over Cougar's libido.

The first time he used it was about three months after Jensen had commenced phase two of Operation: Claim Cougar. They had the weekend on leave and had cloistered themselves in a hotel room at the Holiday Inn in Raleigh rather than waste the majority of their weekend traveling to their usual destinations. Most of the time was just spent relaxing, either poolside or in the room, and Cougar was busy reading some big, fat novel. Jensen had been writing a new computer program on his laptop, but he was bored and decided to shut it down for a bit.

Glancing over at Cougar, Jensen found himself firmly appreciating the view of his lover in nothing but a pair of cut-off olive green shorts that he was pretty sure used to belong to the army and his ever-present cowboy hat. He looked tan and sleek, and very out of place in the room propped up in the maroon armchair with his bare feet on the coffee table.

The blonde haired man felt a stirring in his loins, and he licked his lips, wondering how long it would take to entice Cougar away from his novel. "Cougar?"

Nothing. He must have been reading a really good part.

Jake waited a few moments before he tried again. "Coooougaaaar…" he sing-songed.

That time he saw Cougar's eyebrow flag up in a wordless 'what?' His eyes still didn't leave the text.

Jensen huffed and got up on his knees on the bed, stripping off his t-shirt in a slow, sensual strip-tease that Cougar completely missed because he wasn't even fucking looking. "Cougs," Jensen put a thread of urgency in his voice, hoping that would get his attention.

He flicked open the button on his shorts and dragged down the zipper. "Man, is it just me or is it hot in here?" Yeah, it was a line he'd seen used in like a million pornos, but there had to be a reason they kept using it, right? Maybe it was the key to getting Cougar to put down the fucking book.

Without even looking, Cougar murmured, "Turn the air up." He casually turned the page, eyes sliding like an old word processor over the neat little blocks of text.

Sighing, Jensen decided to give it one last go, then he was just going to spread his legs and take the problem into his own hands. He wiggled out of his shorts and threw them at Cougar, hitting him square in the face. "Ay, papi," he purred with a fake accent and a mischievous grin, and finally Cougar looked up. Jensen turned and presented his bare ass, hovering on all fours. He winked over his shoulder and wiggled his butt with all the subtlety of a transvestite hooker in platform boots and a pink sequined dress trying to pick up johns. "I got something here for you, papi. You like what you see?"

To Jensen's utter shock, Cougar tipped back his head and started roaring with laughter, his whole face lighting up with it. Jake laughed at the sight of the most composed man he knew clutching his stomach as he almost slid out of the chair.

Then when his laughter died, Jensen had the undeniable pleasure of watching Cougar's heated eyes rove over his backside as he slipped his bookmark into place and dropped the novel on the coffee table. Hands glided over his lily-white ass a moment later, and there was no way Jensen couldn't hear the smirk on Cougar's face as he purred, "Papi, hm?"

That was just the first time though.

It took him a few more attempts before it really sank into Jensen's skull that Cougar actually liked it. Experiments, more or less. The best one was when he called Cougar 'papi' in front of the whole team while they were on assignment in a part of South America that he can't really tell you the name of but definitely was not Honduras.

Honestly, it was an accident on Jensen's part. He was becoming used to calling Cougar all sorts of pet names in private, other than the traditional 'Cougs.' Things like 'kitty' (which Cougar hated, but Jensen loved), 'baby,' 'sexy-fuck-machine' (okay, so that was just the one time and it made Cougar laugh too hard to fuck him, so Jensen never used it again), 'gorgeous,' and yes, 'papi.'

He was just sitting at his computer hacking away at this security system, learning the ins and outs of the guerrilla compound they were going to invade the following day, and it occurred to him that he really needed some water 'cause he was fucking dying out there in the Honduran jungle-heat. Cougar was nearby playing cards with Roque and Pooch, and they were using the water cooler as a table, and Jensen had called to him, "Hey, papi, can you bring me a water please? I'm dying here."

As soon as the words had left him, Jensen had frozen mid-key stroke. His eyes darted up to Cougar, whose dark brown oculars were locked on his with an inscrutable gaze. The team's communications expert was pretty sure that he was a dead man. No one knew they were together—they couldn't know; that was grounds for discharge—and so far they'd tried very hard not to let the shift in their personal relationship leak over into their interactions when they were with the rest of the team. Fuck, had Jensen just fucked up.

Then Pooch laughed and said, "'Papi?' Oh man, that's good. Yeah, papi, grab me a water while you're digging in the box too, why don't you."

Roque guffawed, and Cougar played it off by rolling his eyes good-naturedly.

Except as he got up to hand off Jensen's unmarked bottle of water to him, Cougar caught his gaze and there was a heated look there, a look that said 'you're in trouble.' It wasn't until the sun had gone down and Jensen took his turn on watch that he found out just how much trouble.

He was pacing the camp, doing a short circuit to make sure there wasn't any trouble about six feet away from where the main camp was actually located when a hand clamped on his mouth from behind. Jensen tensed, prepared to defend himself from the sneak attack, then a very familiar Spanish accent sounded in his ear. "Shh," Cougar hissed, and then Jensen found himself being spun about, back crashing into the bark of a large, ancient tree, and Cougar's mouth descended on his.

Jensen knew he had to be silent. He had to be the quietest he'd ever been in his life, because if they were caught like this…that was it, they were done. It's hard to be quiet when deft fingers are pulling apart your zipper and tugging your dick out of the slit in your boxers, but with Cougar's mouth muffling his, alternating between sweet and languorous french kisses, and brutal nips to his lips to remind him to be quiet, he managed.

It was when he was turned around and instructed wordlessly to brace himself with his hands on the tree trunk that Jensen literally had to bite his tongue. His pants were lowered just enough to bare his ass, and fingers stretched him hurriedly, a little rougher than normal. Jensen wondered somewhere in the haze of lusty thoughts what exactly Cougar had found to use for lubricant, but after a moment where those fingers probed his prostate and Jensen whimpered through his nose, straining with the effort to be silent, he didn't care anymore.

There was a painful moment where those fingers left him and he heard fabric sliding, then something appeared dangling in front of his face. It was Cougar's bandana, rolled into a thick rope, perfect for use as a gag. Jensen sent up a quick thank you that Cougar knew him so well and stuffed it into his mouth, clenching his jaw around the foreign object.

He heard the tell-tale clink of a belt buckle and something like a shiver went down his spine as his ears caught the addition of the zipper opening, metal teeth catching and pulling on each other. Then Cougar slicked up his dick and shoved his way into Jensen's ass with a low grunt, and the hacker firmly bit down on the sound that wanted to crawl out of him, channeling it into rocking his hips to take in more of that cock faster.

The sex was hard and fast, and they both came silently, Jensen releasing nothing more than a quick 'hngh' behind his gag and Cougar setting his teeth into the muscle between the hacker's shoulder blades, biting with bruising, punishing force as he expelled his come inside of Jensen. He licked the perfect imprint of his teeth when it was over, soothing the abused area, while Jensen shuddered and caught his breath.

When Cougar straightened both of their clothes up, he whispered in Jensen's ear again, "Only call me 'papi' when we're alone."

Jensen nodded emphatically and Cougar walked back to camp the way he had come, silently.

It was then that Jensen realized the power of the word 'papi.'

He kept his promise to Cougar, only calling him by his favorite nickname when they were alone, wielding it like the weapon it was. A weapon for instantaneous arousal and a good fucking.

Papi really likes it when Jake's a good boy.

* * *

-FIN-


	8. Suss You Out

Suss You Out

Fandom: Losers

Pairing: J/girl!C

Rating: M

Warnings: temporary sex changes, crack

Archive: Ask

Author: Lily Zen

Notes: I just wanted to write something funny and fluffy. Inspired by this t-shirt (http:/www[dot]bustedtees[dot]com/cougarhunter). Remove the [dot], replace with periods. Title stolen from a lyric in Bjork's "Hunter." This takes place between Quick and Dirty, Papi and The Twilight Problem.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

* * *

It was one of the coolest, most fucked up things Jensen had ever seen. Seriously, Goliath, Max…man, those guys were fucked up. Who the hell makes a gender-swapping grenade? No, really, who does that?

Poor Cougs.

He'd started out the night with a pair of balls and some really awesome facial hair, and ended with…well, to be honest, a really awesome rack, and hips that Jensen really wanted to cup in his hands.

Of course, that was pretty fucking impossible at the moment because Cougar, upon arriving back at the safe house in his…her?...loose clothing, had fucking disappeared. So Jensen was on a mission—find his lover, and make him feel better before his new tear ducts overwhelmed him and he started crying, thereby making him feel like even less of a man in the process.

He even had the perfect shirt for the adventure, a gray t-shirt with a graphic of a purple cougar on it. Written on it in the same shade of purple were the words 'cougar hunter.' Oh yeah. He fucking went there.

As Jensen stalked from one end of the borrowed building they were hiding out in, Pooch looked up from the kitchen table where he was building a rocket launcher to keep himself occupied and laughed. "Dude, what the fuck is up with your shirt?"

Dramatically, Jensen put a finger to his lips and shushed their transport specialist. "Be vewy quiet. I'm hunting Cougars," he said in his best Elmer Fudd voice.

Pooch snorted and shook his head back and forth slowly. "Good luck, man. I haven't seen Cougs since we got back. He's really pissed about the whole gender-swap thing."

"I know," Jensen replied, suddenly serious and determined.

Jensen's first thought while on his self-appointed mission was that cats liked heights, and for the most part, so did Cougar. Up the blonde man went then, clambering out onto the fire escape towards the roof, ignoring the way it swayed and creaked dangerously under his weight. He was pleased to note that his initial thought was right on target when he found Cougar curled up against some piping, knees up against her chest, arms wrapped around them tightly. The sniper looked up and glared from underneath the hat that was too big for her when she heard the scrape of shoes on concrete.

The hacker ignored the silent warning and sat next to Cougar anyway.

"Dude, it's not that bad," Jensen stated after a moment, "You heard that scientist guy. There's a ninety-three percent probability that the effects of the grenade will wear off within twenty-four hours. Those aren't bad odds, Cougs."

Cougar, the female Cougar with her delicately pointed chin and pursed girl lips, leveled another baleful glare his way.

"Okay, yeah," Jensen amended, "There's a seven percent margin there that the change will be permanent, but hey—it can't be that bad being a girl." Cougar's arm shot out and a tiny fist punched him in the throat. As Jensen rolled around coughing and gagging and carrying on far more than he needed to, Cougar crossed her arms just underneath her breasts, t-shirt straining over the fleshy mounds, and gave the blonde a satisfied grunt.

When Jensen got up, he made a show of scooting out of range, and stated with his palms up, "Just hear me out, man," his voice a little choked.

Cougar made an impatient hand gesture for the other to continue.

"Girls have secret powers," Jensen began, "They start with a 't' and end with 'and a.'" He leapt to his feet as Cougar made a move to go for his throat again. "Seriously, Cougs, you are totally in the club now, man. You're in the bad-ass chick club. There is a secret power and responsibility that comes with having boobs, the power to completely enthrall straight men and gay women, and it can be used for good or evil. Do you know how much money I've doled out at bars buying girls drinks? Easily in the hundreds. This really hot chick once talked me into wearing her underwear while she fucked me on film—that was good times, and wearing panties was surprisingly erotic. Aisha has Clay wrapped around her pinky, like so many other crazy bitches before her…"

Cougar had her eyes narrowed. Perhaps skeptically, perhaps thoughtfully. Either way, she wasn't hitting Jensen, which was good. Then, of course, he couldn't keep his damn mouth shut and quit while he was ahead. "There is incredible power there; the power of pussy!" he finished with a flourish.

After Cougar darted in real close and kneed him in the balls—seriously, ow—the sniper seemed to lose some of her anger and stomped over to the edge of the roof, near the fire escape. She looked down at the ground pensively while the hacker recovered from the blow to his pride.

The next time Jensen got up he slinked over with his metaphorical tail between his legs, and rested a hand on Cougar's shoulder. "Sorry, babe, you're right, that was pretty douchey." He felt Cougar's shoulders move as she sighed, and then a delicately boned hand reached up and touched his own where it rested on her shoulder. She squeezed his fingers slightly.

"I'd be freaked out too," Jensen admitted, "Hell, I am freaked out. I mean, as much as I like girls, Cougs, I really prefer you with a dick."

Cougar chuckled, and the sound while still husky and low was definitely a woman's voice. Jensen missed the sound of Cougar's normal voice. "Yo tambien," she agreed quietly. To any other person, her voice would sound empty, expressionless, but Jensen could hear the worry held carefully in check underneath it all. The hacker wrapped his arms around his lover's waist, tugged that body close to his though the curves felt foreign and unfamiliar against his skin. He was too used to Cougar's hard, masculine lines—the other man had been his only partner for some time now, though he had never said anything to the Mexican man about exclusivity. Yeah, they were lovers, but Cougar still sometimes went to Mazatlan on leave and slept with sexy little beach-bunnies when he really needed to put some distance between himself and his work. Jensen used to until Bolivia. After the chopper crash, he'd lost almost all interest in pursuing others, in keeping up a front for the team and for himself. For months he'd barely touched anyone.

Still, he was totally in love with Cougar. So much so that even though Cougar had totally gone and pulled a Ranma ½ on him, Jensen still wanted to make love with him…her…whatever.

Cougar was stiff in the embrace at first, but her smaller form and sore muscles eventually melted away under the warmth of Jensen's touch. She made a content noise, which she struggled not to hear, not wanting to note the differences in this new voice. However, she could feel it in her throat, feel that her vocal chords didn't stretch as far down as they used to, that she was speaking in a higher register. It was disturbing. She laced her fingers through the blonde man's, focused on each individual sensation as a distraction from her own strange body.

"Hey, Cougs," Jensen whispered against the back of her neck, and the feel of his warm breath against the sensitive skin there made her shiver, "You know what else is cool about chicks?" The hacker barely waited a beat before continuing, "They can orgasm way more than we can, like back to back to back."

It was such a Jensen thing to say that she couldn't help bursting out in raucous hoots of slightly hysterical laughter, nearly doubling over. Her hat tumbled to the roof, and her thick black hair shielded her from the bemused look in her lover's eyes. "Dios mio," she choked out, wiping her eyes, "Only you, amor. Only you could possibly find a positive side to all this."

The hacker shrugged ever so slightly and subtly moved his hands so that he was cupping those curved hips. Finally. "Hey, I'm a practical kind of guy underneath all the humor and weirdness. I guess if this ends up being permanent, we could always just invest in a strap-on. I do enjoy the butt-piracy, you know."

"Sé," Cougar agreed with a sharp nod and a wry twist of her lips. On a moment of impulse that the sniper would deny ever having, she turned and kissed Jensen, going up on tiptoe and bracing herself on his shoulders to do so. "Gracias," she whispered as she pulled back from the chaste lip-lock, "Usted es la única persona que habría podido hacer me la sensación mejor ahora." _You're the only person who could have made me feel better right now._

Jensen grinned and dipped his head to kiss Cougar again, ignoring how weird it felt to have such soft female lips against his after so long. "De nada," he replied in his unfortunate accent.

Cougar wrapped her arms around the blonde man tightly, forcing the other's hands high enough that they just grazed the outer most curve of her breasts. She was startled by the immediate reaction she had, nipples stiffening, a shudder racing up her spine. "Cougs, you okay?" Jensen asked, "You cold? Maybe we should go inside. It is kinda cold up here."

"No," she bit out, "I'm fine."

Her lover rubbed her back vigorously, trying to chase away a chill that didn't exist. All that happened was Cougar stepping in closer and shifting her thighs together as a strange feeling of heat flared in the pit of her stomach. "Just kiss me again," she commanded, and dragged Jensen down by his ears.

And he did, and it made her feel better, more in control. This was something that hadn't changed at all. Yes, she had boobs now, and a vag, and numerous complaints about both. But Jensen still kissed her the same, and Cougar understood the unspoken 'I will love you always, no matter what,' that lay in his tongue gliding over hers and trembled on the edge of his lips. Comforting. Familiar.

Hands slid up her back and then down to her butt. She firmly ignored the fact that the shape they molded was unfamiliar to her, bubbly where Cougar was used to having firm, slender muscle, in favor of noticing how warm Jensen's hands were in comparison to the cool night air.

Pulling away from her lover, Cougar sighed and rubbed her forehead against Jensen's chest. Then she really looked at the shirt he was wearing for the first time and frowned. "Jake, mi amor…what the fuck?"

Blue eyes followed her dark gaze to where it was directed at his chest, and Jensen found himself laughing sheepishly. "Yeah, ah, I found this awhile ago. I was waiting for an appropriate time to wear it, and, uh, this seemed to be it." He rubbed the back of his head nervously.

Cougar glanced up at him with a smirk tugging her newly acquired pout. "'Cougar hunter?'" she teased, her voice low and suggestive. Stepping back further, she swept up her hat from the rooftop and stepped lightly over to the fire escape.

"Uh, Cougs, where you going?" Jensen asked, confused by the sniper's sudden change in mood.

Settling her hat on her head as best she could, Cougar paused long enough to say, "To our room. I'm going to dig up the lube and use my pequenas manos to fuck your ass, then maybe if you beg nicely I'll let you touch my tits." Then she clambered over the edge, slipping down the rungs of the ladder gracefully.

Jensen was frozen in place until he heard Cougar's girl-voice calling, "Coming, amor?"

By the time Jensen got inside, Cougar was already ensconced in their shared bedroom. She had her hat hanging on the bed post and was half undressed, leaving her in nothing but her black t-shirt and a pair of men's boxers that were currently dwarfing her. Jensen had never seen anything be quite so ridiculous and sexy at the same time, except he suspected it was just sexy because he knew it was Cougar underneath all that. Cougar, who was warming up the giant tube of lubricant, the one that hadn't been touched in almost five months, in her tan, delicately-boned hands with her blunt-tipped nails; Cougar, who was eyeing him up across the room like a Hostess snack cake; Cougar, who'd saved his life more times than he could count, made him pancakes in his boxers, who let his niece put ribbons in his hair…

Jensen had to stop there. He had to stop thinking entirely because if he went on any more he was going to get all emotional and then he might be the one crying instead of Cougar.

Like he knew just what Jensen was thinking, Cougar cleared her throat. "Strip," she ordered, and Jensen did just that, letting his pants and his beloved cougar hunter shirt fall to the wayside until he was bare. "Lie down on the bed." He complied with a nervous smile, looking up at the female version of his lover. "Uh-uh. On your stomach," Cougar said and shook her head, making a tumbling motion with one finger for further clarification.

Rolling over, he presented himself in the most submissive fashion he could think to do so with his head pillowed on his forearms, legs slightly spread.

He felt the bed dip as Cougar climbed up behind him and settled between his legs. A hand slid over his back and down his spine, gliding down his left ass cheek to his thigh, and stopping at his knee. He was ticklish there, which Cougar knew, and he twitched at the sensation. The palm followed the same path back up, then down the opposite ass cheek to the other side. Well, it may have been a different palm. Jensen couldn't really say.

Cougar breathed out a slight sigh as she felt something release inside of herself, some knot of tension that had existed there since watching a burning helicopter crash to the ground in Bolivia, since the smell of burning flesh and a soundtrack of children's screams had plagued her thoughts and dreams.

She smirked as Jake flinched away when she caressed the back of his knee, and before she could think twice, her hand drew back a few inches and gave a firm slap to one pale ass-cheek.

Jensen yelped. "Jesus, Cougs! What was that for?"

Cougar did it again just because she could and she wanted to; she wanted to play a game. "I do not know this 'Cougs' you speak of."

"What? What d'you—ow!" Jensen squirmed, generating friction on the beginning of his arousal.

"What's my name?" Cougar bent over and whispered into Jensen's ear, rubbing his hand soothingly over the reddened flesh.

"Huh?" Jensen murmured, distracted by the sensation.

The palm withdrew and he found himself grinding his hips into the mattress as his ass was soundly smacked once more. "Uh!" He took a guess, "Papi?" Cougar rewarded him by tracing a tongue over his abused buttock, the coolness of his saliva making Jensen groan. When he was done, Cougar purred in her seductive contralto, "Now, do you want me to slick my fingers and stretch your pretty asshole around them?"

Jensen whimpered. "Si, papi."

He lost all semblance of time and sanity as Cougar did just that, sliding two fingers inside of him and stretching him out, fucking him slowly until he thought he'd come just from that alone. Then she backed off and let him come down just enough that by the time she had her thumb tucked up next to the rest of her fingers to make her fist as small as possible, and was sliding in and out of him with a thick, wet squelching noise that Jensen literally was begging for it.

Then Cougar urged his hips up and wrapped her free hand around his dick. A moment like that was all it took for Jensen to cry out at the top of his lungs. "Oh, papi!"

Afterwards, while they were lying side by side, Jensen cautiously pulled up Cougar's shirt, eyes locked with his lover's deep brown irises to gauge the emotion there. He didn't see anything that told him to stop, so he stripped it over Cougar's head, who raised her arms obligingly, and got his first look at a pair of tanned breasts with cute little caramel colored nipples.

He sensed trepidation from his introverted lover, and so Jensen took his time and just traced his fingertips over the toned, sinewy muscles of Cougar's abdomen. It was Cougar herself who grabbed Jensen's hands and put them on her boobs, a look of steely determination on her visage. He took his time there with his fingers and then his mouth, working them until Cougar was squirming, flushed from all of the attention to a suddenly-hypersensitive part of her body.

Then Jensen showed her just how much pleasure a woman's body could handle. He showed her until the sun peaked over the horizon while Jensen's hips pistoned back and forth, his dick sliding into her wet sheathe to the music of Cougar's shocked, awed, frantic cries. Her fingers dug into his back, blunt nails biting into his skin as Jensen worked her to her fourth climax of the night. She came with a scream, a harsh yowl that reminded Jensen of an actual cougar, and her inner muscles clamped on his dick, tightening until he too shuddered out his release. They collapsed next to each other, breathless and clinging to one another, to catch what little sleep they could.

When Jensen woke up again, it was to an undeniably male Cougar, gazing at him with a small smile on his thinned out lips. Jensen released a sigh filled with relief, and Cougar grinned outright, his eyes wrinkling at the corners. "I agree," he said, his voice nice and low once more, and Jake shivered at the familiar sound.

"Yeah," Jensen joked, "That was fun. Let's never do it again."

Then he noticed something that had escaped him up 'til then because of his poor vantage point, but when Jake shifted slightly he saw that Cougar had his hand wrapped around his very erect penis and was casually jerking off his morning wood. Glancing up at his lover, Jake grinned mischievously and licked his lips. "I say we celebrate this momentous occasion, papi."

Cougar chuckled and leaned over to nip Jake's shoulder where the crescent marks from a pair of delicate female nails still remained. "Good plan," the sniper agreed, "But it's your turn to bottom."

"You bet'cha," Jensen concurred cheerily, "I had my fun being the hunter last night."

"Mm, so that's what you call cumming with my fist in your ass? Good to know," Cougar shot back smugly. Ten minutes later it didn't matter any more who was the hunter and who was hunted, they were just glad to be back to normal in more ways than one.

* * *

-FIN-


	9. The High Seas

The High Seas

Fandom: Losers

Pairing: J/C

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: crack, pirates, crossdressing

Archive: Ask

Author: Lily Zen

Notes: Part of the Jensenitas Verse. Just some crackity crack to brighten your day.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

* * *

The seas were fair, the waves of the ocean rocking the great ship Aisha like a baby at its mother's breast.

Her wooden planks shone a pretty polished oak like only a ship that had been stolen from the military could. Stolen, stripped, and renamed, that is.

The Captain took a deep breath and exhaled, muscles rippling on his brawny chest, easily discerned from the half-opened billowing shirt he wore. The hat (and what a great hat it was) shielded him from the worst of the day's light as the crew cheerfully worked to sail into port at Tortuga.

"Gunner Roque!" Captain Jake Quail bellowed, his voice ringing out over the ship, "A little more enthusiasm during your poop-deck swabbing would be recommended!" The very dark-skinned ex-slave raised his head up, and glared at the Captain. If anyone asked, he'd say the sun was in his eyes. "Yes, Captain!" he barked and stuck the mop back in the bucket, rinsing off the briny accumulation on the strings.

Gunner Roque was being punished for insubordination and the insult to his pride, being forced to do the work of a mate, was almost more than he could handle.

However, Captain Quail was rather oblivious to this, looking through his spyglass and bent over a map with his Quartermaster, The Pooch. Yes, you needed to use the 'the' every time you said his name.

"So you think after we leave Tortuga—once we get some wenching done and restock the rum and oranges—that we should head further South?" Quail asked his most trusted.

The bandanna-wearing head bobbed as The Pooch nodded. "That would be wise. Wouldn't do to draw too much attention to ourselves and hopefully we can catch one of those lovely little Spanish merchant ships."

On his shoulder, a colorful parrot screeched and shouted, "Outstanding!"

Without really thinking about it, the Captain offered up a dry crust of bread to their beloved mascot, Clay.

The next thing he knew, he was at one of the pubs in Tortuga looking for a wench when a little Spanish (or Mexican, whatever, who can tell the difference?) senorita batted her lashes at him from behind her painted fan. It was bad luck to have women on the ship, but apparently good luck to name them after women (irony), so the Captain was pretty fucking randy, having spent a few weeks only looking at some ugly ass dudes. Jake knew instinctively he had hit the gold mine and sauntered up to the wench, his chest suddenly appearing tanned and oiled.

"Hola," he purred to the lady and copped a feel of her strangely un-rounded hips, "How you doin,' baby? You like ships? I got a big one. It'll see you through any weather." The Captain winked his baby blues and from somewhere behind him The Pooch snorted in disgust, walking off to find his favorite wench, the one they called Jolene.

From behind the fan came a light titter and a caramel skinned hand slipped into his.

He led the way out, intending to head to the inn where he could rent a room, but the senorita stopped and whispered in his ear, her voice low and seductive. "I want to see your ship, senor." Then she leaned up and kissed him quickly, and somewhere in his head Jake was faintly surprised because he distinctly felt the tickle of facial hair.

Shrugging off this inconsistency, the Captain changed direction and headed once more for the dock where his beautiful ship, Aisha, was no longer moored. In fact it was sailing off into the sunset, and Gunner Roque was leaning over the ass end of her, laughing and shouting, "So long, you buff, handsome, brilliant, cock-teasing bastard!"

"My ship!" The Captain cried, forgetting all about the pretty senorita/senor standing next to him.

Jake woke up with a scream, his body jerking and flailing, and someone was holding him down, holding him still, talking to him in a sweet, low voice that was achingly reminiscent of a certain wench. "Jake, amor, calm yourself. It's okay, mi amor. It's okay," Cougar was murmuring, hands slowly settling his lover back down.

"What happened?" the sniper asked when Jake had settled and decided that clinging to his lover like a limpet right at that moment was definitely the thing to do.

"It was awful," he shuddered, "It started out awesome, but then it all went so terribly, terribly wrong. I was the pirate captain of the ship Aisha—"

Cougar snorted.

"—and Pooch was my first mate, and Clay was a parrot—"

Something that sounded suspiciously like a giggle squeaked its way out of Cougar's tight lips.

"—and Roque was swabbing the poop deck 'cause he's a bastard—"

He got a chuckle from Cougar at that.

"—then we made port and you were in a dress—"

Cougar growled, his displeasure at this rather obvious.

"—and Roque stole my ship and called me a cock-tease. Why would he call me a cock-tease?" Jensen concluded, his voice high-pitched with confusion.

In the end, all Cougar could say was, "No more Pirates of the Caribbean before bed, Jensen."

"Okay," the hacker agreed in a small voice and let his pretty senorita—er, what? He might have still been a bit sleep-addled.—lull him back to bed with long, slow caresses from his callused hands.

…And on the high seas once again, Captain Jake Quail tipped his hat and set his compass after Gunner Roque. That rat-bastard wasn't getting away with his ship.

* * *

-FIN-


	10. Applesauce

Applesauce

Fandom: Losers

Pairing: J/C

Rating: PG

Warnings: uh…applesauce, crack

Archive: Ask

Author: Lily Zen

* * *

Notes: Part of the Jensenitas series. Cracky humor. Don't ask.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

* * *

Jensen was sitting on the couch in his sister's living room with a giant jar of Mott's applesauce in his lap when Cougar emerged from the guest room around noon.

The house was quiet. Beth was at school, and Jodie was at work.

Jensen and Cougar were enjoying their leave, and it was always nice to see their families…but it was even nicer to be able to sleep in. When Cougar finally shambled out of bed still rubbing his eyes, his hair back in a ponytail that had seen better days, and wearing nothing but a pair of flannel pajama bottoms clinging precariously to his hipbones, Jensen immediately perked up.

"Buenos dias, Cougs!" greeted the blond.

On the television Cougar heard some rather disturbing music begin. He plopped next to Jensen on the couch, mumbling, "What are you watching?" He wasn't quite awake enough to use his facial muscles to ask the question for him.

"Oh, Nick Junior," Jensen replied casually, and didn't say anything more, seeing nothing odd with a grown man watching a giant, red, knobby dildo sing and dance.

"What the fuck?" Cougar whispered to himself.

"It's Yo Gabba Gabba. God, Cougs, get with the times," Jensen teased him, then lifted his spoon to propel a heaping mouthful of cinnamon applesauce into his gaping maw.

"How old are you? Two?" Cougar grumbled, and glanced down at the Toy Story comforter that Jensen had either dragged out from Beth's room or confiscated after his niece had abandoned it for the morning school bus.

"Aw, is widdle Cougar a widdle gwumpy dis morning?" Continuing on in his normal voice, Jensen said, "Here, have some applesauce. You're such an asshole when you're hungry." He dipped his spoon into the applesauce jar, then zipped it towards Cougar's mouth while making airplane sound effects.

Cougar kept his mouth sealed stubbornly. He glared at the mashed apple bits, daring it to come any closer. If looks could kill, that blob would have keeled over. Except, of course, applesauce is an inanimate object.

"Come on," Jensen cooed. He slipped his head onto Cougar's bare shoulder, face turned toward the sniper's neck, and nuzzled the skin there until Cougar's lips parted as his body started to wake up. Quickly, Jensen shoved the applesauce in the gap.

Cougar's baleful look was quickly turned on Jensen, who merely laughed at the image of Cougar glaring around a mouthful of applesauce, the silver spoon handle sticking out of his mouth. He looked like a very large, very angry baby.

"Don't be such a poopface," Jensen remarked calmly as he withdrew the spoon.

The sniper released it with a popping sound.

"Applesauce is delicious," the hacker continued cheerfully, "Its apple in sauce form. How could you not love it?"

Cougar crossed his arms over his chest.

"In fact, you know how people are all 'oooh, honey, let's lick honey off each other!' Well, I bet applesauce would totally top honey. I'd do it. Applesauce is the tits…. Not buying it, are you?"

"No," Carlos responded.

The two men watched Yo Gabba Gabba and the dancing dildo silently until the commercial break.

Jensen, with a mouthful of applesauce, wondered, "Cougs, would you…?"

"No."

"You didn't even hear what I was going to ask!"

"I know. The answer is 'no.' No applesauce."

"Aww!"

* * *

-FIN-


	11. Gamers and Distractions

Gamers and Distractions

Fandom: Losers

Pairing: Cougar/OFC, Cougar/Jensen

Rating: R

Warnings: heterosexual sex, oral sex, homosexual relations, cussing

Archive: Ask

Author: Lily Zen

* * *

Author's Note: Part of The Jensenitas timeline.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

* * *

Before Cougar realized he had the hots for a certain hacker, there were others. Mostly women, with the occasional dick thrown in there because hey, variety is the spice of life. Looking back on it, he can admit that he was churning water in Denial for awhile.

Strangely, it was all thanks to a certain blonde haired gamer that he'd realized what was going on at all. Okay, maybe he would have figured it out on his own eventually, but…Denial is not just a river in Egypt, it's a way of life.

Anyway, so there they were on leave and enjoying a night on the town. Roque, Clay, Jensen, and even Pooch were engaged in a Battle of the Shots. The rules were simple: they went around the table ordering the grossest shots they could think of, and everybody had to drink a round. Whoever pussied out first was the loser, and had to spend the next month on laundry and bathroom cleaning duty for the entire house they'd chipped in to rent off base. Various wagers were made on this event such as if Jensen outlasted Roque, Roque couldn't get annoyed at Jensen and punish him with PK for a month, and if Pooch could out-drink Jensen then Jensen had to stop shouting 'Care Bear Stare' at random passersby (and actually staring at people very intently) for the rest of eternity. If Roque beat the Colonel, the Colonel had to abstain from sex for the next two months, thus negating the need for any crazy bitches.

Cougar had pre-emptively taken away everybody's car keys and switched to just plain soda in anticipation of the wrangling of drunks that he was going to be doing at two o' clock. His lips were twitching in amusement as he watched Jensen order a round of shots that consisted of Southern Comfort and Tabasco sauce. "With maraschino cherries, barkeep!" the blonde commanded in a fake British accent, "A whole bowl!"

"What?" Jensen asked as he sat back down at the table. "Maraschino cherries are delicious. They'll be a nice chaser." Everyone simply continued to stare at him, and Pooch slowly shook his head back and forth.

"You are one strange white-boy," Pooch finally said.

"Uh-huh," Roque agreed as the waitress came up to their table with the requested shots.

Cougar smirked a little, letting his eyes roam around the bar.

There was a bachelorette party in the back corner, and something must have happened because about six of them all started squealing at supersonic decibels. The one crowned with the cheap, sequined tiara and veil led the charge as they stampeded onto the dance floor, some of them already a little worse for wear. He started laughing quietly, and then his eyes caught sight of one woman still in the booth, an iPhone cradled in her hands with an intense look on her face.

She was pretty with long, dirty blonde hair that didn't really frame her face so much as flop around it, having grown out too much to maintain any sort of shape. She had high-flung, arching eyebrows as though she was continuously laughing even though her mouth was turned down into a frown, pressed tightly together as she tapped the screen of her phone. The woman was wearing a black t-shirt with the lime green poison control face on it, the one with its eyes squeezed shut and tongue sticking out in disgust, and a gray knit hat, the visor tipped slightly to one side.

Intrigued, Cougar slid out of his seat and approached her, his walk slow and confident, panty-dropping smile at the ready. When he got to the table, he only had a moment to purr, "Hola," before finding himself interrupted.

The young woman held up a finger at him, barking, "Hold on a sec, cowboy. I'm about to make this guy my bitch in Words With Friends." She went back to tapping on her phone intently, then gave a shark-like grin at the screen, crowing, "Suck it!" Slamming her phone down on the tabletop, Cougar found himself pinned with a pair of focused, limpid blue eyes. The woman scanned him from the tips of his boots to the top of his hat, and then shrugged. "You've got thirty seconds to convince me to fuck you. Okay, go!" Clapping once like a sports player in a huddle saying 'break!' the girl looked at him expectantly.

Much to Cougar's shock, he started laughing, a deep, rolling chuckle.

The woman just looked at him with a small smile and raised eyebrows. With a glance at her watch she remarked, "Fifteen…ten, nine, eight…"

Gaining his wits, he blurted out, "I am excellent in bed, and that is not a boast. I can make you come three times in very quick succession."

Snapping, the young woman cried, "Sold!" She laughed, throwing her head back, unembarrassed about the amount of noise she was making. "Have a seat, cowboy. What's your name?" The chair across from her was pushed out with her feet, and she straightened up a little. He realized then that she'd been slouching, using the other chair as a foot stool.

Cougar slid into the offered chair. "Cougar," he purred at her.

The girl made a loud buzzing noise, saying, "Eerrrrrt. No, it's not. Your mama did not name you 'Cougar.' Wanna try again?"

Behind him, Jensen was laughing, loud and raucous, and Cougar looked over his shoulder to see what was up. He glanced back to the girl and told her honestly, "It's Carlos."

"Much better," she drawled, grinning at him, "I'm Cam. That—" Cam nodded to the girls on the dance floor, "—is my sister, Ronnie. As though you couldn't tell, she's getting married this week, and this is her last hurrah before her stupid fiancé knocks her up with his equally stupid spawn and then divorces her in ten years because she's got stretch marks and doesn't want to suck his cock once a week anymore. It is my job, as the most reluctant bridesmaid ever, to cart the drunken party back to the hotel room later. So what brings you to this space and time?" She waved, indicating the whole bar.

Grinning, Cougar told her, "Pretty much the same." He pointed over his shoulder at his teammates. Pooch was on a chair belly-dancing, or at least giving it a valiant attempt. "My friends," he said.

"Ah, and you've been elected the lucky designated driver." Cam nodded in understanding.

They talked for awhile longer until a very drunk Jensen floundered up to them and dropped into the chair next to Cougar. "Cougs," he began, very seriously, "We need to go to a titty bar, STAT. Pooch needs boobies. _I_ need boobies. There are not enough naked boobies here. Poor Clay can't play with any boobies for two months. He should at least get to see some." His head lolled onto Cougar's shoulder, and he looked up pleadingly, quivering his lower lip. "Puh-puh-puh-please?"

Cam started chuckling. "Maybe I can help you out." With a wicked look she shouted, "Hey, ladies!"

The very drunk bridal party on the dance floor paused, glancing her way.

"Show us your tits!" Cam screamed, "Do it for your country! Do it for the brave soldiers who spend months in the sandbox without boobies. Give 'em something for their spank banks!"

The girls cheered, and one rowdy brunette shouted, "For the few, the proud, the brave!" and pulled down the halter top on her dress. It was like a chain reaction, and girls all over started lifting the shirts and flashing breasts. "Be all you can be!"

Jensen's eyes were so wide they looked like they were about to fall out of his head. He turned to Cam, flabbergasted, and said in a stage whisper, "You're a maverick."

She laughed and raised her glass of water towards him in a mock toast.

Just then a scowling bouncer muscled his way onto the dance floor where some of the ladies still had their breasticles hanging out, and Cam frowned. "Uh oh, looks like we're about to be kicked out." She slid a cocktail napkin across the table toward Cougar and winked. "Call me later, Mr. Multiples. I've got to drop these twits off at the hotel, but I'm free after."

He called her at quarter after two.

She picked up on the second ring and gave him an address to a small apartment building nearby. Cam buzzed him up and opened the door still wearing the same t-shirt and jeans, but having lost the hat. There was a game on pause on the TV screen, and she asked him very bluntly, "Can you wait like fifteen minutes? I'm in the middle of a quick round of HALO. Once I kill these fuckers, we can go fuck."

Cougar said sure, and she got him a beer from the fridge saying, "Just help yourself."

The girl slipped on a microphone and picked up the controller, flinging herself down on the couch. As she hit the start button she said to the other players, "Yeah, I'm back. Sorry, I've got company. We're gonna have to make this fast, guys." Cam paused as someone on the other end said something, then retorted, "Oh, come on, it can't be any different from normal." Another pause, and then she snorted, stating, "That's what she said."

He was pretty patient, watching as Cam repeatedly shot and was shot at by the other characters on the screen, listening to her banter with the other players. However, when fifteen minutes started to slip into twenty, and then twenty-five, Cougar figured he'd better do something. Living with Jensen had taught him some things about gamers, the first being that a gamer had no sense of the passage of time while they were playing, only whether or not they were winning. With a devious little grin, Cougar slipped out of his chair, pacing until he stood in front of Cam, but only for a moment because she made an annoyed face and leaned to look around him.

Kneeling, he reached for the waistband of her jeans, tugging her closer to the end of the couch, then he popped open the button at the top and pushed down her zipper, smirking to herself when she barked out, "Hold on," and hit pause. Leveling a stare at him, she asked, "What? Are you gonna eat me out while I play?"

His answering smile was enough, and she started grinning back at him, chuckling in a low, husky voice. "Okay," Cam replied, "I can get on board with that. Go ahead, do your worst, er, best. You know what I mean." She hit the play button again and said to the other players, "I'm back."

With a wink up at her, Cougar tugged her jeans off and Cam obligingly raised her hips to assist. Her underwear was lilac, utilitarian briefs that somehow fit her personality. He teased her over the cotton, running his finger along her plump lower lips, pleased when she spread her legs wider and then did a little victory bounce as her character shot somebody in the back on-screen. He put his mouth on her, rucking her t-shirt up and kissing her lower stomach, then down over her undergarment. Her breath quickened in response, but she didn't stop playing.

Only when her panties began to grow damp did he slide them down her thighs, and lower his mouth to her flushed center, laving his tongue from her opening to her clitoris, and sucking at her leisurely.

"Oh, shit," she hissed, and fumbled a button, growling as one of her opponents turned around and shot her. "Fuck!" Cam barked.

Cougar drew on her sensitive flesh with his tongue, and for a second one of her hands knocked his hat off, tangling in his hair while her character was dropped back into the scene. Then her fingers were gone and she was back in the game, doing her damnedest to concentrate on the screen and not the growing warmth and heaviness between her legs.

If his mouth hadn't been occupied, Cougar probably would have been chuckling as he slipped a finger inside of her wetness, curling until he found that patch of roughness within, and felt her convulse as her body was wracked with a new sensation. He moved within her and over her, the combination expertly wielded to bring about maximum result. A fine tremor started in her widespread thighs, and her chest was heaving as she fought to keep silent.

Finally, her body peaked, and she dropped the controller, hands diving into his hair as she squeaked in surprise. Cam bit her lip after that, riding out the waves of her orgasm silently so that the other players wouldn't hear her. Panting, she fell back against the couch.

From his position on the floor, even he could hear the guys shouting at her. "What the hell, Cam? You're just standing there! Dude, what the fuck?"

Cam chuckled, and looked down at Cougar. "I gotta go, guys," she drawled in a lazy, satisfied voice. Ripping off her head set, she tossed the mic on the coffee table. Cougar handed her the controller, and she turned the console off. She laughed. "That was pretty underhanded, and entirely too awesome. Come on." The blonde bounced off the couch and offered Cougar her hand, and they disappeared into her room.

A few hours later, they were both laughing as they traded stories. Cougar was in the middle of the one about Jensen, the pool rafts, and vodka squirt gun fighting in the middle of winter when Cam said idly, "Dude, this is like the eighth story I've heard about Jensen. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you had a crush on this kid."

He didn't think anything of it in that moment, but later on, much later, the innocent statement echoed in his mind, and it occurred to Cougar for the first time that maybe he did.

Staring at Jensen from across the room as he played Call of Duty, and completely ignored his totally hot, fuckable Latin lover, Cougar thought about that time. He thought about Cam and how his hook-up with her had inadvertently led to his entire relationship with Jensen. As he sank to his knees and crawled naked across the living room floor, Cougar thought to himself that he really should send her a thank you note. Not only had she been the cause of his epiphany, but she'd also taught him a valuable distraction technique when dealing with gamers.

"Huh?" Jensen spluttered as Cougar reached for his belt and tugged him closer to edge of the couch. "Cougs, what-? Oh! Oh…_oh_." The controller was dropped, and hands wove through his hair. Cougar stifled the urge to smile, busy as he was at the moment using that particular orifice for nefarious purposes. He _really_ needed to send Cam a thank you card.

-FIN-


	12. Birthday Gifts

Birthday Gifts

Fandom: Losers

Pairing: Jensen/Cougar

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: cussing, implied homosexual relations

Archive: Ask

Author: Lily Zen

* * *

Notes: The preamble is longer than the story, lol. Just a quick drabble for fic_promptly.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

* * *

For Cougar's birthday, Jensen got him a new scope, the one he'd been eyeing for a month now. He also tied a ribbon around his dick. Who says he isn't a romantic?

-FIN-


End file.
